I have an ongoing existential crisis about what I am supposed to do with my life, and as the years go on, more and more things keep getting in the way of any plans I come up with. After years of being trapped in a controlling relationship, and even more years spent trying to recover from said relationship, I finally feel like I’m at a point in my life where I could do whatever I wanted, and not be held back. Except, I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia a couple of years ago and as much as I want to ignore it, it holds me back from so many things, and I’m still in a phase where I feel annoyed and unaccepting that this is my life now – always in some kind of pain. Plus, it really seems to play into my depression, which in turn plays into my anxiety, and I can’t help but wonder why my various ailments can’t all just get along well together, instead of pissing each other off all the time, and pissing me off too.
So, I turn back to my online adventures, and try to find some comfort there, where I have found none for so many years now. It’s something I started all on my own, before the controlling relationship – before he took over some parts of it and put his mark all over everything – which is something I need to remember. It’s mine. And I enjoyed it when I started, and I had a purpose and a reason for doing it. It all got very muddy and distorted in the end, and it wasn’t something I wanted to do anymore, but it’s something I want to do now. Remembering that it was my thing is helping me to get back into it, and to put more into it than before, but from a pure place, not a tainted place.
I want to make more videos, remake old ones better, make new products, write more blog posts and articles. And I’m starting now. This is something that I can still do most of the time, regardless of how much pain I’m in, so I want to embrace that at least, even if other things I want to do are sometimes a little out of reach for me.
I’m back, and I mean it this time!